This is a long overdue update of my journal. I had thought about keeping this private but I know that so many of you who do still read my journal actually care and I need a little contact with others right now. This post may ramble quite a bit.. I apologize for that in advance.There is so much happening and nothing at all at the same time. I am stressed to my limits. I need grounding. I need centering. I need a healthy outlet for my stress.

My daughter came out for her summer visit in June. It didn't take long for her to decide that she wants to stay here for the school year. Some of you will remember what happened two years ago. Those that do know that it wasn't pretty at all. My daughter is two years older now and feels able to stand up to her dad. She told my sister that, looking back, she can now see how he manipulated her two years ago into staying.She's told her dad several times she wants to stay here. He's being completely and totally unreasonable. He's SO not listening to her and completely disregarding her feelings. It's pissing me off that he's treating her like this and it's really starting to piss her off too. A lawyer has been put on retainer. This time I'm NOT backing down from the bastard.

Add to that her ex-boyfriend in Texas has gone psycho on us... it's not been fun. When she first came down here to visit this summer, his possessive behavior was very apparent. He was calling (what seemed like) every five minutes. He wanted to know what she was doing at all times of the day and expected her to call him when she left the house and when she came home, etc. etc. She told me he had been acting really possessively and said she had been thinking about breaking up with him. The impetus to break up finally came when she reconnected with the boy next door (okay, he lives three houses down from us but still). Well, things went from bad to worse. The phone calls got even more frequent and then his mother called my ex mother-in-law (who is the REAL person who's been raising my daughter not her damn father and she and I have become pretty close over the past couple years) and told her that my daughter was killing her son because he's depressed, he won't eat, etc. etc. Because, you know, my sixteen year old is responsible for this boy's happiness and well-being ::dramatic roll of the eyes here:: His mother even called me... at 1:00 in the freaking morning. You can imagine my reaction to her. We finally had to threaten to press charges for telephone harassment with him to get it to stop.It's not like I didn't feel for the kid. They'd been dating two years and I know what it's like to be 18 and in luuv. But he went from heartbroken to out and out psycho. Things had calmed down. He stopped calling all the time. They stopped fighting. Things seemed to be okay and they had begun talking again.

Wednesday I received a call from the ex MIL and said that he had left a bag of Shyanne's clothes on their front porch. Things she had left over at his house, including the dress she wore in my wedding two years ago (she had also worn it to homecoming this past school year). If all he had done was leave the clothes in the trash bag, that wouldn't have been a problem. But he didn't. Every piece of clothing in that bag was shredded. How scary is that?

Ex MIL is trying to get a restraining order against the kid (who is 18 now). Meanwhile she tells me that she believes Shyanne NEEDS to stay here because she's afraid of what this kid might do to her and, I can't say I disagree. You can guess what her father had to say to this. "I'll protect her. She'll be taken care of." I'm so enraged by this, I can't even see straight.

My daughter has been begging me to enroll her in school here. I can't without his permission and he won't give it. He says he wants to talk to her face to face. This sound fishy to anyone else here? What this tells me is that he can't wait to get his hands on her so he can try to guilt trip her and basically talk her into staying there.

My sister came up with the idea of having my daughter go out to visit her in Austin (just a couple hours from where he lives, even closer to where he works) and see if they can't get him to meet with my daughter so he CAN talk to her face to face. The idea was that if he does and sees she really IS serious about staying here, he'll finally listen to her and back off. My lawyer seemed to think this was a good idea. So, Shyanne is going on a plane in a few hours back to Texas.

My ex-husband went ballistic when my sister talked to him. Completely and totally irrationally ballistic. My daughter knows and I asked her what she felt about it. She said "he's being retarded". He's going to call her later this afternoon at my sister's. I hope she can be strong. She admitted this will truly be her first time to stand up to him. All I can say is I am scared to death of what he's going to do. Two years ago he ran off with her and hid her from me (my daughter told me his lawyer suggested he do that). I don't know what I'll do if he does that again...

So, that's it.. now you guys know why I'm being silent and why I'm so stressed out.

I can't make this stuff up

Yahoo! News - Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion

Kind of figures they were from West Virginia....

My friend Kate

Kate and I have been friends for several years now. We met years ago thanks to an RPG called DragonRealms. I did not know her very well at first but we instantly connected. We had lost touch for awhile and then, suddenly, found ourselves "meeting" again. Since we got back in touch, she's become my best friend in the whole wide world. I wonder if she knows just how much I really depend on her or just how much her friendship really means to me.

And then I read a blog entry like this one: The Original Musings: Indy Feis Results

I hate, absolutely hate that anyone had to go through the loss of a child. I hate even more that it was someone I care so much about. As a mother, I can only imagine the pain caused by it. I don't think I could have come through a tragedy like that and still be (at least mostly) sane. I had my heart broken by someone I loved 10 years back and had a nervous breakdown. I can't even begin to guess how she was able to deal with it and come to terms with the loss of her infant son. Kate has got to be one of the strongest people I know.

I love you, Kate. I just wanted you to know.

Origami Underground

Well, I guess if you get REALLY bored this could be a fun passtime, eh? Origami Underground

Lives in the Balance

I keep VH1 Classics turned on when I'm at the computer for background noise (that and I'm an avid music fan of music from the 60's on up through modern times). They're doing an artist spotlight on Jackson Browne, an artist I really liked back in the 80's. One of his songs really struck me as I was listening to it "Lives in the Balance" and I thought how apt it was for the time we live in now.

Most of my friends who know me know that I consider myself to be a patriot. I love my country even if I don't always agree wtih the way our government does things. In my mind getting Saddam Hussein out of power was one of the best things that could happen to Iraq, I just don't exactly agree with the way it was done. I didn't see it when it was happening but, looking back, it's so clear now.

Anyway, I thought I'd post the lyrics here that got me to thinking and realizing how relevent this song is now nearly 20 years later.

I've been waiting for something to happen
For a week or a month or a year
With the blood in the ink of the headlines
And the sound of the crowd in my ear
You might ask what it takes to remember
When you know that you've seen it before
Where a government lies to a people
And a country is drifting to war

And there's a shadow on the faces
Of the men who send the guns
To the wars that are fought in places
Where their business interest runs

On the radio talk shows and the T.V.
You hear one thing again and again
How the U.S.A. stands for freedom
And we come to the aid of a friend
But who are the ones that we call our friends--
These governments killing their own?
Or the people who finally can't take any more
And they pick up a gun or a brick or a stone
There are lives in the balance
There are people under fire
There are children at the cannons
And there is blood on the wire

There's a shadow on the faces
Of the men who fan the flames
Of the wars that are fought in places
Where we can't even say the names

They sell us the President the same way
They sell us our clothes and our cars
They sell us every thing from youth to religion
The same time they sell us our wars
I want to know who the men in the shadows are
I want to hear somebody asking them why
They can be counted on to tell us who our enemies are
But they're never the ones to fight or to die
And there are lives in the balance
There are people under fire
There are children at the cannons
And there is blood on the wire

Kids and drugs

Read this. If that isn't enough to set your teeth on edge, read this. Still not enough? Then read this and these kids aren't buying crack or marijuana.

I'm all for responsible drug use among adults (okay, so responsible is such a subjective term but still). I've smoked pot and probably would do so again. I don't think it should be in the hands of children and certainly not a kindergartener! What in the hell is wrong with parents these days? It's bad enough that many parents feel that video games, TV shows and the computer are acceptable substitutes for parental interaction with kids now they have to put illegal drugs in their hands?

Then there are the teenagers. I remember in high school the most dangerous thing we did was drink and think about licking these poisonous toads that secreted something that was akin to LSD (I never did, I was too much of a chicken and thought that was just really too gross). I never would have thought of using inhalant. This stuff causes brain damage and often death. I imagine their parents don't even notice because they are too caught up in their own lives to pay attention to what's going on with their own kids. "My Janie would never do drugs." Of course not you twit. She's not doing drugs, she's sniffing glue or spray paint.

My own daughter does not live with me. I try very hard, however, to instill good values in her. I try to encourage her to think for herself and not let her friends pressure her to do things she knows is wrong (or wrong for her at any rate). In the end, I have to trust in her judgment and hope she does the right thing. So, yeah, I'm not there all the time for her but I'm involved in her life. It's a shame that more parents can't find time to get involved in their own kids lives.

Xposted from my LJ

For those who can't or don't read there...

I just got the biopsy results back from my endoscopy two weeks ago. Everything is negative, including the tests for celiac disease. Why should I be upset? I should be ecstatic to hear I don't have a disease. I know I should and it's not logical to be this upset but I am. I thought I would *finally* have some answers. Finally. I would have known what was wrong with me and would have had a course of action laid out before me to fix it.

I am so tired of being "sick" and not knowing WHY I am sick. I am tired of people looking at me like I'm insane or it's all in my head. Thankfully my gastro doctor doesn't think I'm crazy. I guess it's because they see stuff like this all the time. I want to feel better. I want to have energy again. Instead I get to have MORE tests and new medication to try to alleviate my symptoms. Yay.

Trunk Monkey

I gotta get me one of these.

Trunk Monkey

What is this world coming to?

CNN.com - Seven children among nine bodies in Fresno home - Mar 13, 2004

From the article: "The motive for the killings is unknown. Dyer said it might have been a ritual killing and Fresno Mayor Alan Autry said it appeared to be a domestic situation."

My take on the situation is this. The four women wanted their children back. He did not want to give up custody of the children. There were 10 coffins but only 9 bodies. I believe he was going to put all of them in the coffins and then kill himself. It's classic "if I can't have them nobody else can either" type behavior.

This kind of thing makes me sick. Apparently it made the police officers sick as well. Several of them went on administrative leave and asked for counseling. All the more reason we should support our local law enforcement agents. I certainly could not do their jobs.

Yeah but he still made $3 million

ESPN.com - NHL - No play, no pay: Hasek rejects Detroit's checks

I think the thing that amuses me the most about this article is this comment from the team general manager ""I think it's an unbelievable gesture".

Actually this goaltender is very talented and one of the best that has ever played. His style is unconventional compared to other goalies. He also has a reputation for being an arrogant prick. I guess the unbelievable gesture on his part is that he's actually not being a prick for once. Go figure.

Still I wish I could work for 14 days and make $3 million. Don't you?

So I had my upper endoscopy today and it was the single most horrible experience I can ever recall having. The people in this outpatient center are very nice and I've had two colonoscopies with them before. Never did I have any problems. Everything was fine and dandy until they sedated me. When I had my colonoscopies the sedation took firm hold and I did not wake up until I was in the recovery area.

I woke up at least twice under the sedation and immediately started choking from this tube down my throat. I want to say it was painful too but that may just be my mind adding it as an afterthought. At one point I vomited and, at another, I believe I was actually fighting them because I wanted that tube OUT. I vaguely remember sobbing too. My throat hurts so bad right now, I can barely swallow.

I've read several experiences others have had with an upper endoscopy and they've all had such nice pleasant experiences with only a vague sore throat afterwards to remind them. I'm exhausted too. I came home and slept off and on for at least four hours. I only woke up to go to the bathroom (IV fluid and stuff to drink after the procedure). Now I have a headache and am waiting for the husband to come home with some throat lozenges for me.

What did I find out from the endoscopy? Well, there are a couple things that were readily visible. I will have to wait for the biopsy results for the main problem they were trying to either confirm or rule out (Celiac Disease). I have erosions in my esophogus from acid reflux disease, I have a small axial hiatal hernia and there was evidence of mild gastritis. I am now on Previcid for the acid reflux and the rest is just a waiting game. My hernia is small enough to not worry about right now. So that's that.

It's about time

CNN.com - Sniper Muhammad sentenced to death - Mar 9, 2004

All I really have to say about this is, it's about time. How can that man sit there and claim he had nothing to do with those killings? It's unfathomable to me.. but then I do have a sense of human decency.

International Eat an Animal for PETA Day

I first saw about this over in Kate's Blog aka The Original Musings. You know, I'm perfectly happy to respect the vegeterian "lifestyle". Hell, I made sure to have vegeterian dishes at my wedding so that people who did not eat meat for personal, health or religious reasons (we did have a couple folks from India at our wedding) did not feel like they could only graze on salad. Being a vegeterian is not for me but, like I said, I have no problem with folks who are so long as they aren't trying to "convert" me. That annoys me as much as someone trying to push their religion at me and, believe me, some of these folks are as zealous as any religious nut.

So what the hell is PETA up to that set off THAT particular rant, you might ask? PETA is now likening the eating of meat to the, now hold on to your hats here, HOLOCAUST. Uhm, excuse me? Ask any Holocaust survivor (or their families) how the slaughtering of animals compares to the Holocaust. I bet the overwhelming majority of them won't see the comparison. This is insanity at it's best. Hell, my husband is Jewish and we both had a good laugh over the whole thing.

For a more comprehensive look at this (laughable) act by PETA, scoot on over to The Orignal Musings. Me, I'm going to sit here and gnaw on this rib.. from a cow. I leave you with this.

Ramblings, probably not of the artistic kind....

I realize I haven't really posted much anything of true substance here. I am so used to keeping my politics to myself and am rarely comfortable discussing them outloud. Hell, half the time I do not even know how to classify myself ::chuckles:: I think I will keep the politics out for now. Right now, I'm focused on finding out what the hell is wrong with me and getting well. I have been sick for so long it's hard to think about anything else.

One thing is for certain, I will be glad to know it's not all "in my head". I'd almost convinced myself it was. After all, if the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me, then nothing could be wrong could it? My gastro doctors, at least, have never made me feel that way. Probably because the see cases like mine all the time. Symptoms that tend to be very general in nature and could be indications of any number of diseases or disorders.

I have my upper endoscopy on Wednesday. Hopefully this will be the end and I will finally get some answers. I've been researching the disease the doctor thinks I have. I know it sounds strange to hear someone say they hope the doctor tells them they actually HAVE something wrong with them but, after three years, all I want is to know what's wrong with me and how to go about fixing it. This disease (celiac sprue or celiac disease) is not curable but it IS controllable with diet. It will be a difficult adjustment at first but, not impossible.

I just want to feel... human... again.

another superb waste of time

You are Severus Snape.
You are a superbly sarcastic, somewhat evil wizard.
You are a former Death Eater but have found
your true calling in making students' life
hell.


Which Cool Evil Guy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

::grins:: I've seen this quiz floating around... I admit I probably skewed the results a little. I heart Snape.

An interesting time waster

When you type www.a in your address bar, what do you get?
What about www.b, www.c, www.d, etcetera?

I think you can probably learn a lot about a person by whatever links are in their history.


Here's mine
http://www.advancedwls.com
http://www.bbay.com
http://www.celiac.com
http://www.daz3d.com
http://www.ebay.com/
http://www.fiery-wench.com
http://www.gicare.com/pated/dicyclomine.htm
http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,8621737^2862,00.html
(Nothing for I)
(Nothing for J)
http://www.kucinich.com
http://www.lap-band.com
http://www.morphworld30.com/
http://www.naebunny.net
http://www.ontaponline.com/articles/index.php?id=219
http://www.pardonmyenglish.com
http://www.qmags.com
http://www.rangerrawb.com/ranik/
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2004/02/18/fioreagenda.DTL
http://www.tasteyoulove.com
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/getfuzzy/
(Nothing for V)
http://www.washingtoncaps.com
(Nothing for X)
http://www.yahoo.com
http://www.zbrush.com

I am the tanka. The attention of others Is unnerving, and Since I try not to draw it, I'm left alone. Which is good. What Poetry Form Are You?

It told me if I were not a tanka I'd be a haiku. Go me.

I am in a ridiculous amount of pain this morning... abdominal pain that is. There are no drugs I can take to ease the pain or take the edge off it. I've tried. The doctors gave me vicodin and even morphocodone (the generic name for it) which is like vicodin but with morphine in it instead. They didn't even *help* and, since they are highly addictive, I stopped taking them when I realized they weren't going to stop the pain.

I should be in bed. I can't even *think* about sleeping right now, no matter how tired I am. There's absolutely *no* sleeping with this pain. It's the worst it's been in months right now. I'll be so glad for a diagnosis. I'm hoping my doctor can give me one soon. Unfortunately gastro problems are some of the hardest to diagnose because so many symptoms overlap and mimic each other for different disorders. I have a friend who *finally* got a diagnosis on her problem after 5 years. I'm going on three...

I know one of my friends on LJ understands what I'm going through even if our health problems are vastly different (::hugs to Angela::). It's frustrating as hell. I'm having more mood swings right now than a 15 year old girl. It's got to be hard on my husband too...

After getting the results of my bloodwork back, my gastro doctor suspects I may have something called Celiac Sprue (http://www.csaceliacs.org/). If it is what I have it will be a pain in the neck to adjust because I will have to adopt a gluten free diet.. forever. It's not curable at this point in time.

My colonoscopy was normal so this is a good thing. Next up is an upper endoscopy to see if my small intestine is damaged from the Celiac disease. Personally, I rather hope it's not what I have but at the same time, I'll be happy for a diagnosis.

snarl

http://www.petitiononline.com/mrphelps/

No, I'm not snarling at the petition. I'm snarling at the NEED for the petition.